Quotes

Dwight: Dammit, he put my stapler in Jell-O again!

Jim: So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. Which is unfortunate, because it turns out that Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs.

Dwight: The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. Count Choculitis....Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?

Dwight: Someone forged medical information, and that's a felony.
Jim: OK, Whoa, alright 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Dwight: [reading from a sheet] Uh, Leprosy, Flesh Eating Bacteria, Hot Dog Fingers, Government Created Killer Nano Robot Infection.

Dwight: Did you get your tickets?
Jim: To what?
Dwight: The gun show. [kisses bicep]

[Jim put Dwight's wallet into the vending machine]
Dwight: Where's my wallet?
Jim: Oh there it is, 'J1'.
Dwight: I don't have any...
Jim: Here, have some nickels.
Dwight: [putting nickels into vending machine] 5, 10, 15, 20, 25...

Dwight: Chu chu chu chu.
Jim: What are you doing?
Dwight: Vietnam sounds.

Jim: I'm just saying you can't be sure that it wasn't you.
Dwight: That's ridiculous. Of course it wasn't me.
Jim: [holds up picture] Marijuana is a memory loss drug. So maybe you just don't remember.
Dwight: I would remember.
Jim: How could you, if it just erased your memory?
Dwight: That's not how it works!
Jim: Now, how do you know how it works?
Dwight: Knock it off! OK, now I am interviewing you!
Jim: No, you said that I'd be conducting the interviewing when I walked in here. [raising voice] NOW EXACTLY HOW MUCH POT DID YOU SMOKE?

[Dwight is dressed in a deputy's uniform]
Jim: You look cute today, Dwight.
Dwight: Thanks, girl.

Jim: This came out really well. There you go.
Dwight: This is humongous. I am not a security threat. And, my middle name is "Kurt", not "Fart."
Jim: [squinting to read] What did I write?

Dwight: Please knock, this is an office.
Jim: It
[pointing to sign]
Jim: says "work space".
Dwight: Same thing.
Jim: If it's the same thing, then why'd you write "work space"?